Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historic society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.

"It'll be huge. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting inexperienced inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the ideal. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and solely away from position. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower options:

A three-ground On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right up until the drone flies")

As well as a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Indeed, absolutely sure, let us have An additional put wherever American Males can don robes and phone it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. foreign plan analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace attempt due to the fact Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations failed underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's program is simpler: offer everyone a collection within the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In keeping with files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal Trump Tower Damascus includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"That is gentle power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."

What the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, typically into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's actually not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he ought to stop applying it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the job, replied, "You understand, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great persons. Great tan. In any case, do I still have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."

Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head noticeable from House, a feature being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and also the chin is… well, labeled.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after acquiring the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot of daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It is really not only unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty International's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Functions

Probably the strangest ingredient with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:

A silent atrium in which company may possibly contemplate vague disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with local weather Command established to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to make of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They may Come"

The ad marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One poster reads:

"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is For good."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:

"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge exhibits:

34% say "it'd stabilize the region"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% claimed "wherever's the closest elevator on the West Financial institution?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is already attracting attention from international investors, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain a few penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

As outlined by a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level can even include:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Depending on the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Are unable to wait to check out a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"At last, a hotel in which my PTSD may have transform-down assistance."

An additional put up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Result

U.S. officials fear the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Experiences recommend:

China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Closing Views within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that involved a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:

"Damascus needed hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You are welcome."